A good rain

A good rain

I sit at my office desk this morning. A desk that I own, of the business that I built, in a building with my name on the deed. The glow of the computer screen is casting a soft white light onto my notebook as I open it. I pick up my pen ready to scribble across the page. It’s an overcast, rainy, drizzle of a day.

I tap the spacebar and my study playlist begins. I’m listening to Suite Bergamasque: Clair de Lune, and the sound of spraying water hissing, as the world’s commuters are zooming by through puddles just outside. The dog snores and readjusts her curl as the heat kicks on. The coffee is piping hot off the rim of my cup. It’s morning pages time.

I am reflecting on the map dot where my feet touch, the longitude and latitude of my life. My career has been insanely fun. Yes, some days more of the insane side surfaces than the fun, but the fun side is time spent helping so many folks communicate better. I help them communicate better their sellings, their tellings, and their deals of the day. I don’t know if the job I do is never ending or if it’s beginning, but there is a change and a new something brewing. I can feel it swirling around me like the wind is whistling and gusting outside.

I used to dread the rain, fear a storm, run and hide, and wait for it to be over. Over so I could go back to the calm things, the same routine things, but today the energy feels different. Like a good rain is here to wash away yesterday’s grime. It even is soothing me, and calming me. It’s putting me at ease instead of into a panic. Maybe it’s the rain, or maybe it’s the Wolfgang piping from my playlist now, but it’s good, so very good.

Waking up early, exercising, fasting, coffee, and pausing to write is a treat, a treasure, and reward for surviving another day. Just thinking back to the to do’s and tasks, and looking ahead to the tomorrows – we have this simple moment right now to pause, appreciate and be mindful of where we are. In this moment I think back on how I got here, why am I here, and even glance just a bit further up the road to where my next “here” is going to be? It’s ok if we don’t know these answers, we do know we can just enjoy this moment and the clean wash of a good rain. I think of Rainer Maria Rilke words and how they comfort me, “I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.” 

Why focus on the good rain? Because anxiety can quickly rush back in. When running behind, anxiety builds. Feeling rushed, full of a week of dreaded meetings, lunch appointments, and so many people messaging in all the ways trying to connect, they need help, need attention, it mentally drains me. It seems to get to a point when you feel you might drown as you add up all the things, on top of being off schedule. Then, the small drops feel heavier. Feel them? The dog is sick, one child has detention, and one has no gym shorts. Upset young adults make upset mom adults too.

So, right now I’m trying to recenter myself. I’m being mindful, and intentional. Yes, I’m 37 minutes behind my schedule, as I glance at the clock, but think of what’s been accomplished today. 5AM gym (check), kids fed a healthy breakfast (check), the teenager fearfully drove us to school in the rain (check), the criminal reported to morning detention (check), I remembered my arthritis meds (check), I showered AND washed my hair, and pooped! (check, check, check!) It’s always so very nice when that task is over and flushed away before employees show up! The dog can be taken to the vet after lunch, the coach is not going to fail us for lack of gym shorts, and more have been ordered from Amazon to be here tomorrow. Royal blue shorts surely will get us into college?

I am slowly coming down from the demons that are trying to talk me into biting my nails, grabbing ChickFilA, or running away. We are going to make it through this day I assure you. Stay with me! It’s only 8:07am! Keep writing. Ding, buzz, the lunch meeting just canceled, see we feel better already. The coach understands not all people can fit into mediums. The detention hour has been served and the sun is beginning to shine on to my page. The coffee is strong and so are you.

Taking the deep breaths, we start the playlist again, we sip, write and calmly take a moment. Fire up the diffuser next, wild orange energy oil is pumping up into the air, it was my friend and business partner Shea’s favorite. The meds for the aching knees are helping, I tell myself as they burn. We’ll write out our whole week of appointments in our planner next so no surprises take us down in battle. Don’t you feel better already?

You know there’s always going to be something, someone, some event that will throw you for a loop, but remind yourself and really believe that it’s only temporary. It’s not permanent. It’s going to pass. You are going to get recentered, anchored, and back to steady. It may not be easy each time or as quick as you’d like, but I’ve learned to surrender to the feeling and the build up of the stress. I don’t fight it anymore, I don’t ignore it, or avoid it. I don’t try to stuff it down into a box. I just let it in, look it in the face, and even welcome it into the day. The realization and acknowledgment of it isn’t as scary as you think. Take it in, and make a plan, piece by piece, of how you will take back your mind’s control. You can work your way right back into listening to the good rain. xo