A red bird’s thesis

A red bird’s thesis

Today is my thesis defense day. This day is here, and now, it’s the present. Not some past moment I’ll begin to speak of tomorrow telling friends (and hopefully students some day) “When I presented my thesis…”

Today is no longer the common past talks I have been so consumed by. The endless yesterday’s conversations of “For thesis I should do, should say, should be about…” This endless is in fact ending now. Both moments, tomorrow’s and yesterday’s, are not here.

Today is my thesis defense day – a living moment breathing in feelings of feeling, and out emotional pressure. My heart beats hard now in my chest, bumbump, bumbump, bumbump. Ebb and flowing energy. An empowered moment, a fun, joyful celebration of life. A real moment in my real life. Not a swipe of a story on a screen. My uniquely designed heart, my truth, and authentic journey of life is here in the raw to share. In education we have a Kindergarten first day to show and tell… is today my last?

The process of unlocking, unbinding, to rebinding, opening, examining of heart, truth, and trusts in self is explained today. Here, today, I become an authoritative role. The owner and claimer of my words. Truth tellin’ feels big, looks scary, but is here. Here.

I am here and breathing deeply. Listening to my playlist which hums others poetic words and sing my story. A long melody of my solo reveal choices from my past and fill my safe space.

The anxiety perks it’s gentle little head up like the red bird that I just saw as I took the dog out to potty. It’s soft, gentle, but brightly there, darting around, hopping and poking its head amongst the sharpe blades of fresh wet spring grass. The thoughts of my red bird’s anxiety begin to calm me.

I imagine as if I were to try to catch and control the red bird. To try to help and hold them tight, I know I couldn’t. I couldn’t calm their fast beating heart. I couldn’t settle them. So I just observe. I let them be whatever they want to be. They look at me, and hop closer. A tilting head as if to see me. I feel them say hello. Hi friend, we are here… together. Here just being ourselves, and feeling the warm sunrise on our wings and the cool grass on our toes all together at the same time.

We both are together in this clear moment, and we are both in the open air and freedom around us. The same air feels our lungs. Co-existing, cohabitating, yet completely different. Neither of us need to change – me in my black turtleneck and red bird in their feathers. We can be here together, and anxious and steady, and warm and wet all at once. Beating breaths together we are here. We made it to this mindful moment. Celebrate the moment as they fly away quickly.

Feel the joy of here. Feel the goodness here with the worry. The fear inside my body I’ve learned to acknowledge and feel, but the ease of inner waters roll right up against its shore. We are one swaying object in this magic moment. Both steady and sweaty. Both are welcome, now and always.

I remind myself again… You are here, you made it to the moment. Feel your toes on the ground. It’s been a long time coming. Time is what brought you here and time will bring you away again. Freely, hopefully, and joyously let this moment flow.

Your compass is set. The story is told. More living will happen beyond here. Tomorrow you will tell more stories and likely understand even less. However, here today, we will trust the questions we’ve lived. Today, you will share your lived experience of the past with your community of creatives. Remember they root for you. Know that after your defense you will exhale into the future. Thinking of your future when an elder and gray, from the cottage on the coast, dreaming back to today. Because today is thesis defense day. So put down the pen and unclench your jaw. Relax your shoulders and breath. Hold space for you and your red bird. xo.